D has been demonstrating his love for me by assisting me in preparing the placenta. Step one involved gently steaming it for 15-20 minutes each side.

The smell hasn't bothered me at all, but he finds it quite unpleasant; this seems to bear out what I've read on various sites about placenta preparation - men find the smell unpalatable whereas women either don't notice it or else actually like the smell. (Unless they are vegan/vegetarian, I should think.)

Next stage was to slice the cooked placenta, which I've now done (D retreating to a safe distance and cuddling his daughter...); next will be to dry it slowly in the oven on a very low heat for 8-10 hours (kind of like placenta jerky, really). I'm leaving this till this evening so it can happen overnight. Final stage will be to grind up the resulting strips and put the powder into gelatine capsules, which I will take daily for a couple of months or so.

This probably all sounds like an overly hippyish, "crunchy mom" thing to do - but I'm doing it for a reason; taking the placenta in dried form reduces the risk of postnatal depression. One reason for PND can be the sudden "crash" of hormones after birth; most women experience this as the "baby blues" on about the third or fourth day post-partum, but for some women (estimated to be around 10-15%) it goes on to develop into full-blown PND by weeks 6-8. The placenta (which has provided all the pregnancy hormones in the body from around week 12 onwards in pregnancy) is full of hormones as well as essential nutrients and minerals; by preparing the placenta and taking it in capsule form, it's possible to taper onesself off the hormones slowly instead of going through the "crash". Breastfeeding also helps stave off PND to a certain extent.

Having experienced severe PND with both my previous children, I'm pretty keen to avoid it as far as possible this time around, hence why - with the support and approval of my healthcare team, including my psychiatrist - I decided to try this method. I figure I have nothing to lose and everything to gain.

Even if D doesn't particularly care for the smell. ;-)

Freda Elizabeth Ivy Gerard was born at 9:40am this morning after a very quick labour!

I woke D at about 9am and told him this was definitely it and he'd better get up, because his daughter wasn't going to wait.

I called the midwives at 9:30am; waters broke at 9:35am. D managed to get the plastic sheet down on the floor just in time; Freda was born with just one push at 9:40am!

She had the cord round her neck so I unwrapped it and rubbed her back; she was breathing unaided straight away, and I put her to the breast where she blinked up at me, a little startled to have come into the world so fast.

The midwives showed up at 9:50am; I delivered the placenta naturally an hour later in a physiological third stage as Freda nursed at my breast still (she has a very healthy appetite!); I had one small 1st degree tear which doesn't need stitching - caused by the fact she was born so fast.

She weighs a healthy 7lb 3oz and both mum and baby are doing fine - and dad has a very smug grin on his face!

I was woken up at 6am this morning by a sharp contraction. Lay there for a while, thinking maybe it was a one-off... but no, there was another one. So I started timing them; 3 in the space of 10 minutes. Quite short - 30 seconds each - but very intense; impossible to sleep through.

At 8:30am I gave up trying and came downstairs. At this point they are still 3 in 10 but now reaching 40 seconds each; there is no way I could sleep through this - when one hits, I can't even walk through it. They are all-demanding and insistent; far stronger than anything I've experienced up to this point. Each one starts as a sharp pain in my back, and then spreads to the front and ripples up my stomach.

There is also more bloody discharge when I go to the loo.

D is asleep upstairs, getting rest whilst he can. I'm currently the only one up.


[Edit: 9:30am] Midwives are on their way. This is definitely it.

Well, I didn't suffer any nasty side effects from the castor oil - none of the agonising stomach cramps or vomiting that some women report. Mixing it up in that cocktail and downing it in one, I didn't actually taste the oil at all - just had an aftertaste of vodka, which I didn't mind at all! However, whilst I didn't get any nasty side effects, sadly it didn't work either. It had the expected laxative effect - but not excessively so; enough to relieve the constipation I'd had for the past week but nothing really bad.

So D and I went up to the hospital to Magnolia Ward again for more monitoring, anticipating a none-too-pleasant chat with pushy registrars anxious to book me in for induction. What I got instead was my CMW, Amanda - in full-on she-bear mode, ready to repel all boarders! First she corrected the midwife who was setting me up on the monitor who thought there was meconium on my pad - Amanda pointed out it was just mucous and a good sign, certainly not meconium! Then she chased off the registrars who tried to breeze into my cubicle - and finally she got me a new consultant!

The new consultant, Mr Dawlatly, had a far better manner to him than Hollingworth, my "assigned" consultant; he didn't try to interrupt me, listened to my concerns about induction, and discussed things fully. He recommended I have an ultrasound scan before any further discussion of induction - and as he is a trained sonographer, he would do it himself. Amanda confided in me that he is actually one of the best sonographers.

So after the monitoring (which showed I was contracting once every 10 minutes), D and I had a bite to eat then went down to the antenatal clinic where Mr Dawlatly performed the ultrasound. Liquid levels were fine - "better than fine!" as he put it. But best of all - the membranes are intact.

That's right. My waters never actually broke. All that stress over 96 hour deadlines, pushy registrars, talk of c-sections - it was all for nothing. The midwife who saw me on Friday afternoon had written "? hindwater leak" - i.e. possible. It was never actually confirmed. Amanda herself had had her suspicions, especially as the leaking did seem to tail off, hence why she pushed for me to see Mr Dawlatly (the registrars I saw on Monday had dismissed the idea of an ultrasound out of hand saying it wouldn't show anything of use - but of course they were the ones trying to coerce me into a c-section).

So now the pressure is off. I don't have a timetable to be held to. No more talk of 96 hours or infection. Amanda is going to check to see if I need to continue taking the antibiotics; and in the meantime, this all turns back into just a normal, slightly post-dates pregnancy and we're back to Freda's schedule, not hospital protocol or NICE guidelines. Amanda is going to come and see me next week on Tuesday if Freda hasn't appeared by then, and if I want to hurry things along a bit she could perform a membrane sweep - but in the meantime, we're all happy to let nature take its course.

The sense of relief is indescribeable.

Oh, and the scan showed that Freda is a healthy 7lb at the moment - and we saw her face. :-)

When this is all over I so owe Amanda a huge box of chocolates, the biggest bunch of flowers I can find, and all the fruit salad she wants!

[Edited to add] Amanda called me back; I've been transferred out of Mr Hollingworth's care over to Mr Dawlatly, who is more than happy to take me on even at this late stage; and he says I don't have to finish the antibiotics course. And no more daily CTG scans! Instead, she's going to arrange a normal antenatal appointment for me for next week, assuming Freda doesn't come in the meantime.

So... yeah. Desperate enough to try the castor oil.

I did a Google for recipes, and found this one; 30ml castor oil, 30ml orange juice, 30ml vodka.

Reasoning behind it working is as follows:

"The Castor oil (which is quite thick, tastes foul) is masked by the orange juice. It is metabolised by your body and becomes prostaglandin, which causes your cervix to dilate and efface. Another side effect of an oversupply of prostaglandin in your body is the loosening of your bowels which is where the vodka comes in. The alcohol actually helps to calm the 'contractions' in your bowels preventing painful spasms (ironic really, when you're trying to induce the painful spasms of labour *laughs*).

This is how you take the cocktail: Mix the ingredients as listed above and chug it down. One hour later, repeat the process. One hour later, repeat the process again. In total, you should have consumed 3 cocktails in exactly two hours. In this way you have a 'timed' release of the prostaglandin in your body which increases slowly as you consume the cocktails.

Things stalled when the midwives arrived - contractions dropped right back down to every 5 minutes again! (Great... my unborn daughter has performance anxiety....)

At 5pm there were phonecalls galore between the midwives (the wonderful Amanda with her student, plus Sue - whom I'd not met before but was very friendly and easy to get along with) and the Supervisor of Midwifery - Mary, who had come to visit me with the Head of Midwifery a few weeks ago.

The obstetricians had all been pushing to have me come in and be admitted for an induction. Mary spoke to me on the phone and I explained about my fears of being pushed into an unwanted c-section, which she was quite understanding about.

At the moment it's me and the midwives vs the obstetricians. The midwives are all on my side and will support me whatever I decide, despite the fact it's past the 96 hours. The obstetricians are all agitating to have me dragged in and induced - in vain. Amanda is one of those midwives who really understand what "with woman" really means.

We're all hoping things pick up again tonight; Amanda & co left shortly after 5 but Amanda is on call tonight from 9pm if needed. If there's no baby by morning however, Mary has asked me to come in to Magnolia Ward for another CTG session so they can see what's going on with the contractions. She's going to make it clear to the obstetricians that I am NOT coming in to be admitted; however I am prepared to discuss induction - on the understanding that I am not to be coerced into anything. If I choose not to come in, a midwife will come out and check me over instead.

So D and I went for a long walk into town and back, and the contractions seem to have picked up again from their earlier stall. I've also had a further discharge of mucous, which suggests my cervix is definitely opening up (Amanda didn't want to do a VE as I have no infection presently and we'd like to keep it that way - so no VEs until we're sure I'm in active labour). I've had a big mug of cumin tea with dinner and the contractions do seem to be picking up again; so fingers crossed it was just a temporary stall.

We do have a bottle of castor oil to hand as last desperate recourse, mind. I'd say trying to avoid an unwanted c-section counts as pretty damned desperate.

Contractions now 2 mins apart lasting average of 1m30s. Just called Magnolia Ward to advise midwives. Waiting for call back - or midwives on the doorstep. :-)

D and I decided to get Freda going the "traditional" way, and it looks like it's worked. Within a couple of hours I was woken by a very intense contraction - far more intense than any I'd had thus far.

I lay quiet for a while... and there was another one. And another. And another. Each over a minute long, about 3-4 minutes apart.

Hard to describe how I felt at that point; with each contraction I breathed deeply, conscious mainly of this huge overwhelming feeling of relief and joy. Finally. This is it. The real thing.

How I managed to get to sleep again I don't know, but eventually I drifted off. When my alarm went this morning (to remind me to take this morning's antibiotic), I lay quiet for a while. Had the contractions tapered off? Was it a false alarm?

And then I felt it building again - another contraction, just as intense as the others, long and hard.

D isn't going in to work today. He's currently catching up on sleep; could be a long day ahead of us. As I write this, I can feel another contraction building, intense and hard. It's hard to breathe through them but I deliberately take deep breaths. I'm kind of glad I'm alone down here right now, because I don't think I'd find it easy to talk through these contractions, unlike the others.

In a while I'm going to start timing them to see how long they are and how far apart. I'll probably have to wake D soon and discuss when to call the midwives. This baby is going to be born today; early evening, I think, as it feels so much like my second daughter's birth at this point.

This is it. Finally. The real thing.

At least, that's how it feels to me right now.

I should have guessed that after yesterday's little triumph over the registrar, something would happen to knock me back again. Today has been a decided downer.

I arrived at Magnolia Ward for the CTG monitoring at 9:45am; unfortunately there were several women all there for monitoring and only one midwife on duty. At 10:20am I pointed out I had an antenatal appointment downstairs at the antenatal clinic with a registrar, so they handed me back my notes and told me to pop back up after I'd seen the registrar.

The antenatal clinic was running an hour late. Then the midwife who took my obs had fun and games finding the registrar. Then we had to rehash the whole subject of induction all over again as he pointed out that the 96 hours would be up as of 3:15pm tomorrow, and wanted to start pushing me into booking an induction. I pointed out that I was still hoping for a homebirth and asked if it would be possible to come in for the application of the prstaglandin gel pessary then go home to wait to go into birth, if I didn't spontaneously go into labour beforehand.

At which point the registrar got rather nervous and decided to go fetch one of his collegues for advice. This is the point at which I should have just stood up, grabbed my notes and just gone to get the CTG done. Hindsight is always 20/20 though.

The second registrar basically started straight in trying to get my agreement to be admitted tomorrow for an induction. He tried to get me to agree to a drip if the prostaglandin didn't work first time, whereupon I showed him the Advance Directive which states quite clearly that I refuse any and all IVs, including oxytocin. So then he started trying to hector me into agreeing to a c-section under general anaesthetic, and got quite infuriated with me when I wouldn't give him an answer. He wanted to have it all neatly booked in and timetabled, and I wasn't playing ball. The most I would agree to was to come in for CTG monitoring again tomorrow as previously agreed, and that I would discuss induction then. I made it quite clear that I refuse to be admitted tomorrow for an induction. Of course, then the shroud-waving started (what is it with these doctors and their fondness for "dead baby" stories??), with him writing in my notes that postponing induction of labour could lead to septicaemia, fetal death or cerebral palsy. Oh,he's a wit, is that one. He wants to be called personally to come speak with me tomorrow after the CTG monitoring.

It was gone 1pm by the time I got out of the clinic, and I went straight upstairs to Magnolia Ward again for the CTG monitoring - which involved waiting around in the waiting room for an hour until a bed came free, then further waiting until the shift change when a midwife came to put me on the monitor. I told her about the morning's experiences and she was horrified that the registrar was trying to push me into a c-section, and wished me good luck, hoping I'd go into labour spontaneously.

So I lay back and twiddled my thumbs whilst sat on the monitor. She came back after half an hour, and looked astonished - the readings for my contractions were going off the scale. Apparently to all intents and purposes I was generating the kind of readings you'd expect from a woman in the full throes of a very active labour; yet there I was, quietly sipping water and twiddling my thumbs as if nothing were happening! She asked if I could feel them and I explained that yes, I was very aware of them but I didn't perceive them as pain - more like a constant rippling motion up my stomach, like waves.

She left me on for a while longer, and then asked me to wait whilst she showed the scan to the obstetrician on duty - who was quite happy to let me go home and wait for nature to take its course. So the midwife wrote up my notes, reminded me to come back in for more CTG monitoring tomorrow - then wished me good luck and confided that she rather doubted I would make the appointment. :-)

Here's hoping she's right! Maybe the threat of an unwanted c-section has scared Freda into finally getting a move on; we shall see.

I could really have done without today's stress though.

Well, that's one registrar who won't be adding stuff to patients' notes again without discussing it with them first!

D and I went up to Magnolia Ward for the CTG monitoring; I was finally put on the monitor a little after 4, and spent just under an hour on it altogether. Discussed with the senior midwife the fact that he'd written something in my notes that we hadn't actually discussed (i.e. the stuff about admission and the AMA form). During the monitoring I was having very strong contractions, about 10 minutes apart - but far stronger than any I've been having thus far, so that could be a hopeful sign of things settling down and starting to happen.

The registrar from yesterday came up to see me and I quietly but firmly verbally LARTed him. Seems that as he was writing up my notes from the discussion we had had, he thought to check Whipps Cross protocol on PROM (prelabour rupture of membranes), and wrote that last bit in my notes intending to come back and talk to me about it - by which point the midwife had already given me back my notes and we'd gone. It was impressed on him very firmly that this is unacceptable and not to be repeated, and not only was I NOT going to be admitted today for an induction but I would not be signing any AMA form - for a start, hospital protocol does not constitute medical advice (especially when it contradicts NICE guidelines), plus I had not been fully informed therefore informed consent could not have taken place anyway.

Evidently my Advance Directive had been noted - one of the midwives has put it into the front of my notes so it's the first thing you see when you open them! :-) So no more attempts to talk me into IV antibiotics or oxytocin. This time, he actually wrote down my notes as we actually discussed it, so we could all see he was only writing a truthful account of the discussion and couldn't add anything we hadn't agreed upon or discussed.

It looks like I've got an agreement to basically wait things out until they start naturally, even if this takes me beyond the 96 hours, as long as I agree to daily CTG monitoring on Magnolia Ward. This partially depends on what happens at my antenatal appointment tomorrow with the registrar; it's also been noted that I have asked for a second opinion from a consultant other than Mr Hollingworth, whom I refuse to have anything to do with. I've been given oral antibiotics to take in the meantime. And it's been agreed that everything possible will be done to allow me to have a homebirth.

Tomorrow they've asked me to come in to Magnolia Ward for 9:45am so I can get my CTG done first before going down to see the registrar at the antenatal clinic tomorrow, so I'll have an up-to-date trace to show him. Should it be decided in consultation with myself to schedule an induction, it is well understood that the only method I will agree to is prostaglandin gel pessary, but right now the hope is that I will spontaneously go into labour.

So, a lot more positive than yesterday!

Just as well I went geared up for battle, because that's pretty much what I got. Y'know, just once I'd like to find my cynicism about the medical profession nicely surprised; evidently that wasn't going to be today, however.

First I had a midwife telling me that whilst she knew I had my heart set on a homebirth, now my waters have gone that's out of the question and it's going to be a hospital birth. I gritted my teeth, smiled politely and corrected her. "No, I am still entitled to a homebirth and that is what I fully intend to happen."

Then it was onto the subject of how long they will "allow" me to go after spontaneous rupture of membranes (SROM) before inducing me, which hospital policy states is 48 hours. Smile politely again, point out that NICE guidelines say 96 hours. "Oh, well, you'll have to discuss that with the doctor."

Next up; the issue of antibiotics. She tried twice to dodge the question of precisely how they intend to administer the antibiotics; first I then D brought her firmly back to my question on the subject. "Well, they put a little needle in-" she began, pointing at the back of her hand; at which point I cut her off by stating flatly that I do not consent to any IV antibiotics.

That left her a bit flustered. She set me up on the CTG monitor and then started to go through the birthplan with me, and shortly came to the bit where I refuse consent for any IV/Venflon to be inserted for any reason whatsoever, and she read the bit about my needle phobia.

People just don't seem to "get" trypanophobia. They don't understand that pain is utterly irrelevant - it's the fact that someone is trying to shove a needle into me. I have no control over my reaction when that happens; it's pure fight-or-flight time. I have been known to jump out of 1st floor windows when confronted with a needle. If there are no exits, I lash out; I nearly broke a doctor's arm once when she pulled a needle on me without warning. No talk of lignocaine creams or anaesthetic injections to numb the pain of an IV being inserted is going to change that response; if I am awake and you come at me with an IV, I can guarantee you will not be able to get near me. It's nothing personal and nothing that I can consciously control.

Even just discussing it can push me close to a panic attack - and what I feel, Freda can feel too. Not surprisingly, during the whole conversation about IVs her heart trace went wild and she was kicking furiously. Her hearttrace didn't return to normal until the midwife dropped the subject.

The contractions recorded were about 5-7 minutes apart and quite weak - quite normal if I'm lying on my back at that time of the afternoon. It's usually after 7pm that they ramp up in intensity and frequency. I showed her the CTG trace from 3 weeks ago following the other hindwater leak; she was astounded - she reckoned it was the trace of a woman in active labour. Yet here I am, still pregnant.

Then I had to deal with the registrar; once again quoting the NICE guidelines of 96 hours. He blinked, startled, and asked if I was a midwife. I just grinned mirthlessly and said no - just a well-read woman who knows my rights. (Amusingly, in the notes he wrote afterwards, he mentions that I quoted the NICE guidelines at him.) He started in on how whether it was 48 hours or 96 hours, they'd be looking to induce and started going into details about drips - at which I cut him off and once again had to flatly state that I refuse all consent for IV antibiotics or an oxytocin drip. I had to repeat three times that I will not consent to oxytocin, and once again had to go through the whole explanation about my needle phobia. I stated that if I felt induction was necessary, I would consent to prostaglandin gel only, which he made unhappy noises about. I also made it plain that I would not be staying but that my intent was to return home to await a spontaneous commencement of labour.

He obviously wasn't happy but wasn't going to push the point; instead he asked me to monitor my temperature every 4 hours for the next 24 hours, and return tomorrow to Magnolia Ward for monitoring again, saying I would have to do this on a daily basis and we'd review the situation on Monday. (96 hours from yesterday is not Monday but Tuesday....)

I have no doubt that when I return for monitoring tomorrow, I'll have to go through the whole rigmarole all over again with another doctor. Basically each day I have to go back up to the hospital for monitoring, I am going to have to put up with yet another person trying to push me into an induction. The NICE guidelines will be my backup LART until Monday - but if I haven't given birth by then, they are going to expect me to set a time to go in on Tuesday to be induced, and it's going to be very hard to persuade them to wait any longer. I could just simply refuse to go in for the induction, but with the hassle I'm having already from Social Services that's going to open up a whole new can of worms.

Right now I'm just praying that Freda will finally get a move on, because I am not looking forward to having a fight on my hands every day for the next couple of days. :-/

Well, Freda's still not here, it's been nearly a full 24 hours since my waters started leaking and no sign of any change - so in about 15 minutes D and I will be heading up to the hospital for more CTG monitoring. Hospital policy is to induce after 24-36 hours after rupture of membranes, however NICE guidelines state 96 hours (i.e. 4 days). So if they push me, I'm going to insist on a "wait and see" approach.

D has been fully briefed on what I will and will not consent to. I intend to steadfastly refuse IV antibiotics and an oxytocin drip; if I should consent to induction, then it will be prostaglandin pessary only. I'll consent to 30 minutes' CTG monitoring afterwards but I will then insist on going home to let things take their natural course - and no way am I going to be stuck flat on my back for continuous fetal monitoring.

Whatever happens, they're unlikely to push for an induction today if my last monitoring experience is anything to go by - 1½ hours on a monitor, then waiting around for nearly 5 hours to see the obstetrician. That would leave it too late to start an induction, and I'm not staying overnight. Freda's due date is tomorrow; I had one daughter induced needlessly on her due date - I'll be damned if I'll let them do that to me twice!

Anyway, we have a print-out of the NICE clinical guidelines on induction of labour, and intend to be as stroppy as necessary!

3:15pm, went to the loo and became aware shortly afterwards that I was... leaking. Not a huge gush of liquid, but a definite flow that wasn't stopping. The liquid was slightly milky but mostly clear and slightly sweet-smelling.

I put on a pad and warned L that I thought my waters may have gone. I hung on for half an hour, and yup - pad was decidedly wet with more liquid.

I called the hospital just before 4pm, then emailed D who instantly set off from work for home. He arrived here a short while ahead of the midwives. During this time I was aware of a sharper feel to the regular contractions that had started up again from 2pm.

They checked all my vital statistics, checked the baby's heartbeat, then did a V.E. It's hard to describe how disappointed I was that after a week of strong contractions, I was still only about 1cm dilated. :-/

They checked the baby's heartbeat again afterwards, and as they did so they and I all noticed the contractions were a lot stronger. Still same frequency and length - but decidedly stronger.

The summation was that I've had a hindwater leak again; I'm currently on 4-hourly temperature checks. (Currently doing the second one as I write this.) If my temperature goes above 37.5°C, or the fluid changes colour from milky-clear, or I have clear signs of labour starting I'm to call immediately.

They pretty much expect me to go into labour in the next 24 hours; a midwife will call me tomorrow morning if they haven't heard from me overnight. If nothing else happens, then I'm to go back up to the hospital tomorrow afternoon to Magnolia Ward for CTG monitoring again and to discuss what happens next. Policy at Whipps Cross is to induce if 36 hours elapse from rupture of waters (at this point, this close to my due date, they're not drawing a distinction between full rupture of membranes and a hindwater leak) without further signs of labour; needless to say, I'm not too keen (particularly as WHO guidelines state it is safe to wait up to 96 hours). D will accompany me to the hospital, which will make it easier for me to stand my ground and refuse an unneccessary induction; I suspect that given how tired I am after a week of this, it would otherwise be all too tempting to just give in and agree simply to have it over and done with. But I really do want a homebirth.

We're all crossing our fingers and hoping Freda finally decides to come tonight.

No, I haven't resorted to castor oil. :-)

It's been a week now, and the little one still shows no signs of being in any hurry to come out. We're beginning to wonder now if she's decided to hang on until her actual "due date", which is this Sunday! Ironically, I myself was born on the exact day I was due myself (thus successfully screwing up my dad's regular darts evening down at the pub!), so I guess I can't complain too much if my daughter decides to follow suit!

I've now got this mental image of her popping out finally on Sunday and then blinking innocently at us as if to say, "What? I'm on time!!"

It's strange how I was absolutely certain she'd be early though - an April baby. At the same time, I'm glad I didn't make any plans for May!

I phoned up my midwife today to let her know what has been happening (i.e. not a lot); she'd hoped I'd had the baby by now but had had a suspicion I hadn't because she was certain her collegues would have told her otherwise. She agrees that the "show" I had over the weekend is a good sign that the cervix is ripening, but otherwise isn't a good indicator of how soon I'm likely to go into labour.

She teased me and suggested I'm just hanging on for tomorrow night when she and Sue are back on call again, saying I'm obviously waiting for her to be there! Heh.

I explained how the contractions are milder during the day, ramping up in intensity each evening between 8-10pm, and often I can't sleep until 2-3am; she said I should get as much sleep and rest as I can during the day, agreed that the long walks each day are a good idea and I should keep them up as long as I'm comfortable, and sympathised over how tired I'm getting. She's impressed that I've been putting up with this for nearly a week now - she's encountered a lot of women who put up with a couple of days of this then started yelling to be induced. Tired though I may be, I'm still determined that this baby will be born at home though.

I have an antenatal appointment with the registrar next Monday; if things haven't started happening before then and she's not heard from me, she's going to call me on Tuesday to see how things are going. The one thing we're both a little concerned about is that with labours like this, when things start happening they tend to go very quickly and there's a risk that I could leave it too late to call for the midwives and the baby could be born before they get here.

Freda's due date is this Sunday. If she goes past that, she'll be the first of my children to go "overdue"; I'm determined however that I am not going to see the consultant again so he can shroud-wave and quote "dead baby" statistics at me again and try to coerce me into setting a date for an induction. Despite what I said about castor oil yesterday, I really do not want any time limits or deadlines set on this pregnancy. I want Freda to be born when she's ready; all the things I have tried so far have simply been things to help my body be as ready as possible - all the natural induction methods in the world won't help if she's not actually ready to come out yet.

I am adamant that this is going to be a natural birth, and that it is going to be Freda's show.

*pokes tummy* Little one seems to be quite comfy where she is, in spite of the contractions. I wouldn't mind, except that with 5 days of contractions and the steadily-increasing backache, I'm getting rather fed up! It's getting to the point where it's affecting my sleep now; it was hard to get to sleep last night due to the backache, and I woke up several times with a particularly sharp contraction. But come morning they settled down again (apart from the backache); no doubt they'll start ramping up again shortly.

D had to go back to work today; there's only so long he could hang around expectantly off work, after all. I did wonder if Freda would take advantage of the fact it takes him at least an hour to get home from work to decide to put in an appearance just to be awkward, but it seems she's just too snug!

Things being tried today: Black Cohosh (supposedly more effective at making ineffectual contractions stronger and more effective), starflower oil capsules (contain far more GLA than Evening Primrose Oil - GLA contains prostaglandin precursors that help ripen the cervix) and pulsatilla 30C which is supposed to be good for stalled labours, particularly ones accompanied by backache.

6 hours of Rachmaninov didn't do the trick - she seemed to like it too much! Holst's "Mars" from The Planets has also been recommended, so I might try that next.

If she hasn't arrived by Thursday I might just be desperate enough to try castor oil.

5th day of early labour. Beginning to wonder what the record is. If you count it from the moment contractions were 5 minutes apart, that makes it something like 4 weeks of labour now.

Went for another long walk with D - Bank Holiday Monday, so a long slow stroll down to Homebase and back. Normally the contractions get more intense around 10pm, but by 6pm they had already reached that point; still 2 minutes apart, still about 50 seconds long. The "show" seems to have finally finished, which means the mucous plug is completely gone. But other than that, there really seems to be no reason to drag the midwives out again.

I decided to check myself a little while ago and found I could actually reach my cervix, so it's definitely lower and softer now. And I appear to now be dilated a whole 2cm!! Woo! That's an increase of one whole centimetre in 5 days of serious contractions. Why, at this rate I'll be fully dilated and ready to push in another month!!

I'll try to contain my excitement. :-/

*sigh*

They say that the first goes slow, the second goes fast, and the third is completely unpredictable. Seems they're right so far.

D seems to be suffering adrenaline fatigue; he's as tired out by this as I am. Still, the baby is happy and kicking well still, so we know she's not in distress - just taking her time.

Still pregnant. Had over 24 hours of "show" which now seems to have tailed off, so maybe that's a hopeful sign that something will happen in the next day or two. One can hope, anyway, as I've now been in early labour (contractions 2 mins apart lasting 40-50secs still) for 4 days now.

I'm aware there are a lot of people following these posts now, impatient for Freda to finally come - believe me, you can't be anywhere near as tired of this as I am though!

Now trying to tempt her out with a 3-hour-long playlist of Rachmaninov.

We didn't bother calling out the midwives last night, as apart from the "show" there was no further change; as per usual the contractions had stayed constant through the day and then ramped up in intensity from about half seven in the evening but not frequency or duration really.

Only other thing that happened was ( TMI ). My abdomen was feeling rather more sore and tender as a result, so I decided to have a nice warm bath to relax and take the chance to wash my hair.

Warm water calmed down the contractions, which I was pretty much expecting; but seeing as things are very slow right now I figured what the hey, and the water was nice and helped ease the backache some anyway.

I did have a bit of a feel "down below" myself whilst in the bath; I didn't seem to be any more dilated but my cervix did seem to be lower and very soft.

We had takeaway for dinner as I really couldn't face cooking and nor could D, and I was in bed by half ten. Slept right through for a good solid 12 hours apart from the (now usual) trip to the bathroom at 4am.

It's still very much a slow waiting game, but the bath and good night's sleep have refreshed me.

D and I have just gotten back from a really long walk - and on our return, I've had the best sign yet that things are going to start happening very soon; a large, very definite "show"! It looked pretty much the same as the one that preceded my second daughter's birth by about 24 hours - so fingers crossed!

I also felt the baby settle further down in my pelvis thanks to the exercise, which also bodes well.

Just before we went out, we had a phonecall from D's birth mother H. It was my first chance to actually talk to her, and we had a lovely long natter. Apparently D was 8½lb at birth! He also took his time about being born as well, so it's obvious where little Freda gets it from! H is a retired midwife so had lots of useful tips about getting Freda into the best possible position for birth. Currently Freda is LOA - Left Occiput Anterior, which means her spine is to the left of my uterus with feet tucked up under my ribs on the right, head downwards, and facing back towards my spine. The best possible position would be ROA - Right Occiput Anterior, with her spine to the right of my uterus. H had some suggestions - rolling over in bed onto my righthand side to encourage Freda to roll as well, doing squats to encourage her down into my pelvis as well as walking, etc.

She thinks part of the reason why Freda has been taking her time to descend is because I have pretty well-developed stomach and pelvic musles thanks to horse-riding and morris dancing; Border-style morris in particular is very energetic with quite high stepping and did a lot last year to tone up my abdominal muscles, so I think she's probably onto something. On the other hand it does mean I will find it easier to push!

I had been feeling a little deflated today over the lack of progress thus far, but going for the walk in the bright sunshine has buoyed me up again and I feel much better for the exercise - and even moreso for the resulting "show"! Things may or may not start happening tonight, but I have the feeling they may well do tomorrow. :-)

I managed to sleep pretty well last night; by the time the midwives had gone, I had adjusted to the contractions to the point where I could sleep through them. I think the midwives had been quite bemused by how calm and relaxed I was through the contractions; as had happened the previous night, Jean and Dorothy couldn't tell when I was having a contraction from my face and behaviour but instead had to sit next to me with one hand on the bump to feel them for themselves and gauge intensity. I don't think midwives encounter women with pain thresholds quite as high as mine very often. :-)

This morning Jean called me on the phone to ask how I was doing; she'd been surprised that nothing further had happened during the night and that the contractions were pretty much just the same as ever. She repeated her suggestion of taking a long walk down to the market, which D and I will do after lunch - at the very least it will get me out of the house for some fresh air and exercise, and it may help Freda's head to engage fully. Last night Jean could only feel about 2/5ths of Freda's head above the pelvis, so hopefully once her head is fully engaged things will start to happen.

In addition to showing that I was only 1cm dilated, the internal last night revealed my cervix is still quite high up, towards the back and right - but it is softening and effacing; Jean reckoned it was about 1cm thick. Hopefully the long walk will work the baby's head down into place, and then the pressure of her head will help the cervix thin further. I think last night's internal has also helped things get moving; the "show" over the past few days has been a thin pinkish-cream colour, but this morning there are definite dark brown "blobs", the colour of dried blood, which is a hopeful sign and helps make up a little for the disappointment that after two days of contractions I'm still only 1cm.

Freda herself is still quite active, though protesting a little less at the contractions now - mostly just squirming, as space is tight in there! We're still playing the waiting game. But hopefully she'll make her mind up soon; seems there are a lot of impatient people waiting for her to make her appearance at last!

Still pregnant, baby still taking her time. Still only 1cm dilated, though the baby's head is further engaged now, and the contractions are longer and stronger and the cervix is definitely softening.

The midwives have just left and are going to give us a call in the morning if they haven't heard in the meantime from us; so I guess there's nothing else to do but head up to bed and get some sleep whilst we still can. If things aren't further along by morning, they've suggested I take a long walk down the market tomorrow - apparently they've had a lot of women find they go into labour after walking down to the market!

At this stage there's a lot of waiting around punctuated by occasional false alarms. It could take quite a while to progress from 1cm to 4cm (when it will be considered active labour) - and then I could in theory go from 4cm to fully dilated in less than an hour. It's those first few cm of dilation that take their time. :-/

It could be a matter of hours - or it could be a couple of days. It's all up to Freda.

Contractions are now about 1½-2 minutes apart, lasting between 40 and 50 seconds each and feeling a little more intense, so I've just called the labour ward to let them know. Amanda, my CMW, is off-duty now until tomorrow but two other ladies are on their way - Dorothy and Jean.

D has hopped in the shower to freshen up, as we could have another long night ahead of us.

Interestingly, if Freda hangs on until after midnight then she will be born on International Day of the Midwife - and share a birthday with Karl Marx, Buddha and Richard E. Grant. :-)


It will be interesting to see how dilated I am when they arrive - a lot more than a paltry 1cm, I hope!

Went for a walk with D earlier down to the local shops (gorgeous sunshine; can't think of a nicer day to be in labour!) and amused myself by making the till assistant's head explode a bit in the healthfood shop:

HER: So, when's the baby due?
ME: Sometime today. I'm in labour right now actually.
HER: 0_0 OMG! Are you OK?
ME: *smiling* Oh, I'm fine; just having a walk to get things moving. I reckon she'll probably be born this evening.
HER: Gosh! Good luck! This is a first for me...!

Currently feeling relaxed, calm and happy; walking has made the contractions a little longer and more intense, but being on my feet makes them comfortably manageable. Things are progressing steadily in much the same way they did for daughter no. 2.

I've emailed my daughters' stepmum and my mother; D is going to email his parents in a while as well.

I must admit that I am enjoying labour. :-)

A friend observed last night that if Freda is born today, she'll share her birthday with Audrey Hepburn. I must admit that thought pleases me immensely. :-)

We called the midwives out last night, and three of them attended - two senior midwives (my new CMW Amanda plus her collegue Sue) and a student (Faizia). Cats were herded out of the way, and L headed up to bed as it was likely to be a long night and at least one of us ought to get some rest! D hovered doing the anxious-but-excited father bit, offering tea.

Contractions were coming 2 minutes apart, lasting 20 seconds each, and the baby's heartbeat was good. Her head was only 3/5 engaged, but that's quite normal - often if it's not a first baby, the head won't engage fully until right at the point you start pushing.

We sat around chatting, midwives drinking tea, whilst waiting for things to progress. I was teased a little about the fact I was very relaxed and they couldn't tell when I was having a contraction - Amanda ended up sitting with her hand on my bump for short periods so she could feel the contractions and time them! About 3am I agreed to an internal check to see how dilated I was; somehow I had the feeling the answer would be "not very", and I was right - only 1cm. So the midwives decided the best thing to do would be to leave us to get some sleep, as it could take several hours for things to progress to active labour (4cm dilated).

I must admit D and I didn't get a huge amount of sleep; I had to get up to throw up twice (at 5am and then again at 6:30am), dozing in between, though I think I finally fell actually asleep after the second time. Had weird and wonderful dreams revolving around giving birth which included dancing attendant cats and trying to give Keith Richards a guitar lesson whilst having the baby.

Amanda and her student dropped by again this morning at 10am to check how things are progressing; contractions are about 30 seconds long now, so things are progressing slowly. I've a feeling Freda is likely to be born later today - probably sometime in the evening. D and I are probably going to go for a walk later to help get things moving. :-)

So, yes, it's not a false alarm this time. Freda is on her way. :-)

So, what exactly is in a homebirth kit? I decided to have a look for myself, and photograph the contents.

( Warning - lots of large pictures! )

My new midwife came round just a short while ago for a chat and to drop off the homebirth kit. We clicked straight away and I feel much more comfortable with her than I ever did with the previous one; and she'd actually read my birthplan before coming over, and is quite happy with it! She had a student midwife with her; if I go into labour in the next 48 hours, they will both be on duty so will likely be attending - the student is quite hopeful that things will get moving soon, as she really wants to see what a normal homebirth is like!

I think I'm going to have a little poke through the bag and see just what is in it - I'm wildly curious!

This morning started with getting up early so I could wash the kitchen floor and make some phone calls - to the care co-ordinator, and the my psychiatrist's secretary. I left a message for the care co-ordinator (he hasn't called me back yet), and the secretary is going to have a word with the psychiatrist about the hassles with the social worker and perhaps arrange an emergency appointment for me.

The Head of Midwifery (Patricia Jones) and the Child Protection Midwife (Mary O'Leary) showed up on time, and the first thing we did was thrust copies of my birthplan at them and request they read it first before we discussed anything, which they duly did. I think they were favourably impressed with how comprehensive it was, which helped set the tone for the conversation that followed.

They still consider my pregnancy to be high risk on mental health grounds, but were reassured that I had thoroughly discussed treatment both during and after pregnancy with my psychiatrist and that a full care plan is in place. They took on board my issues with social services but can't directly influence them themselves; their concern and priority is the health and safety of myself and Freda. They said right at the start that they have no intentions of telling me I can't have a homebirth - they were simply here to discuss how best to provide and facilitate such a homebirth and make sure that I was fully informed. We discussed possible reasons for transfer, making it clear that any such decision is soley mine to make, and reassured me that my wishes as expressed in my birthplan would be respected.

They took on board my concerns about the midwife and assured me I would be assigned a new midwife who will call me this week to drop off the homebirth kit, and discussed whether I would be comfortable having Entonox dropped off at the house whilst fully agreeing that the final choice on whether to request analgesics rests with me.

They did have some concern over my refusal of vitamin K for Freda after birth and my insistence on a purely physiological third stage, but were quite happy when I said that I would be open to discussing alternatives in the event of an emergency.

With regards to the consultant, they advised me not to worry about him as he was obviously being rather premature talking of induction and it is highly unlikely I'd need to see him again.

D and I had been pretty much prepared for a fight but as it happened, the discussion was entirely civilised, frank and positive. I seem to simply have been unlucky with my initial assigned midwife - I must have got one of the few non-pro-homebirth CMWs on the team. Not only are they happy for me to have a homebirth, but they are going to do their best to make sure it proceeds according to my wishes. And they're going to circulate a copy of my birthplan amongst the CMW team. :-)

I think insisting on them both reading the birthplan before starting the discussion was absolutely the right move; by reading through it themselves they could see that I am well informed and have considered the whole question of childbirth very seriously, and it gave a focal point to the discussion.

So now one major source of stress has been relieved; indeed, the sense of relief once it was over was almost overwhelming and I actually found my hands were shaking ever so slightly. My only real remaining cause for concern is social services, but with the midwife team so clearly on my side now and the care co-ordinator breathing fire and brimstone in their direction I think social services will find the wind somewhat taken out of their sails.

Perhaps now I have been reassured I won't face an uphill battle with the midwives when I finally go into active labour, things will actually start progressing soon!

As regular readers will be aware, I've had no end of trouble with my community midwife. ( Recap of the midwife's obstructiveness. )

Which leads me on to today's appointment with the consultant, Mr Hollingworth. If you recall from this post, he's the intervention-happy consultant with the highest c-section rate of any OB consultant at Whipps Cross.

I'm glad I'd been prewarned by all my reading online about consultants; despite the fact I'm only 38 weeks, he's already talking in terms of inducing me should I get to 41 weeks without labour starting naturally and how I can't have a homebirth if I go overdue. He was pushy and arrogant, and it wasn't long before he started talking about risks to the baby if pregnancy goes over 41 weeks. "Here we go," I thought to myself, "he's going to start shroud-waving any minute." Sure enough, he started drawing a little freehand chart and warning me about the risks of morbidity rising after the EDD. He didn't like it when I pointed out that WHO guidelines state the length of normal gestation to be between 37-42 weeks - he started raising his voice to talk over the top of me, which didn't go down well with D!

He put down the contractions I've been having to Braxton Hicks, quite ignoring the fact that this is my third child and I damn well know the difference between Braxton Hicks and prodromal labour by now - plus the CTG readout shows quite clearly that whilst at the hospital I had been having regular firm contractions every 5 minutes. The midwife who did my antenatal before he walked in had decided not to feel my stomach to check the baby's position because she could actually feel the contractions herself and didn't want to cause me any more discomfort than I was already in, though she was able to confirm the baby's head is 3/5 engaged.

I'd originally intended to ask for an internal as I've been having a bit of a show for the past 24 hours, but given his attitude towards me I decided I didn't want him anywhere near my cervix. So we concluded the appointment by demanding to speak to the HOM.

Turns out she wanted to see me anyway as she was planning to come see me at home together with the Child Protection Midwife (thanks to social services) and my CMW. She was rather taken aback when I said I have no confidence in my CMW and want to be assigned another with a more positive attitude towards homebirth. She has agreed to take said midwife off my case, but still wants to come see me at home tomorrow with the CPM to discuss whether I'm going to be "allowed" a homebirth. I've pointed out that thus far, the only person who has actually read my birthplan and discussed my wishes for a natural homebirth was the obstetrician who examined me on the day ward 2 weeks ago, and I'm really not happy about this.

Anyway, she's going to be turning up tomorrow at 12, with the CPM but without the CMW. I'm not looking forward to this at all.

At this point I find myself wishing heartily that active labour will start soon, rendering all such talk of inductions, midwives, and "permission" moot - to the point where I very seriously thought about trying castor oil. I'd rather things took their natural course though.

All I want is to be left in peace to have this baby at home without constantly fighting in seemingly all directions at once.

Yesterday D and I celebrated our 4th anniversary together. We decided to take a chance on going out to dinner, as I didn't feel labour was such an imminent risk - but just to be on the safe side, I took with me an "emergency bag" containing my hospital notes, a babygro, vest, hat and jacket, a nappy, small travel-pack of baby wipes, a couple of muslin squares and a handful of maternity pads (I figured I didn't need to lug the whole hospital bag with me, just some essentials, as if I did go into labour and had the baby whilst away from home it'd be a case of an ambulance ride to the nearest hospital and I'd just need some basics to keep going until D could bring the hospital bag from home). Thankfully, it wasn't needed!

I'm now at 38 weeks, which is the point at which my second child was born. I've been steadily having a slight "show" since about 3pm; the contractions remain pretty much as they've been for the past two weeks. Tomorrow I'm seeing the consultant, and D is going to acompany me to this appointment. I'm going to raise the issue of my concerns over the midwife; I may also ask for an internal just to check if my cervix has started dilating yet or not. With my second child, active labour started within 24 hours of the "show", so fingers crossed.

Given the hassle I've had with my midwife, it's quite likely that when I do actually go into labour and D needs to call the hospital for a midwife, he might experience opposition and be told there is no midwife available or that I have to come into hospital for one reason or another; so this afternoon I wrote up a phone crib sheet for him which I've reproduced in the preceeding post. A copy of this has been printed out and stuck on the fridge door next to the phone in the kitchen, and he's read through it to familiarise himself with it. Hopefully it won't be needed, but it's there just in case.

It would be really nice if Freda could put in her appearance tomorrow evening or Tuesday morning - a Beltane baby. :-)

( Crossposted from my LJ - my bump! )

I prepared the following sheet as a printout for my partner in case he experiences any problems when I go into labour and he phones the hospital to request a midwife.

( Phone crib sheet prepared for my partner. )

This morning I had a phonecall from the midwife to talk about my antenatal appointments. She really has no concept of keeping track of time; I told her that my last antenatal was with my GP last Friday - she thought I meant 2 weeks ago on Friday (huh??) so I had to correct her and say no, Friday 20th - last Friday. She then thought it was 2 weeks ago on Friday she sent me off to the hospital for CTG monitoring - nope, that was last week on Tuesday. Then I confirmed that I had an ultrasound on Wednesday that came back perfectly normal.

She then asked me if I'm still "hoping" to have a homebirth, to which I replied yes, I am having a homebirth. She then tried to tell me I couldn't have a homebirth until the homebirth kit had been dropped off. You know - the homebirth kit which she was supposed to be delivering last weekend but didn't. To which I responded by saying I would simply be sure to request whichever midwife attended be sure to bring one with her. She then said "Oh no, our procedures don't work like that, it has to be officially registered that you're having a homebirth!"

I pointed out that it was noted in my notes by the registrar several weeks ago that I'm having a homebirth and my GP is well aware I'm having a homebirth. The obstetrician at the hospital last Tuesday not only noted the fact but actually discussed my birthplan with me and made note of my wishes in my antenatal notes! But no - apparently it has to be officially registered that I am having a homebirth, and she insists I have to see the consultant before this will happen - and if I go into labour before then, I have to go into hospital to have the baby.

At this point I took a deep breath, smiled sweetly and said I would see the consultant on Monday but refused to respond to all her talk of "letting" me have a homebirth, "must do" this and that. I have an appointment at the antenatal clinic on Monday at 10:25am so Mr Hollingworth (or, as is more likely, one of his registrars) can look at the ultrasound scan report and decide whether to "let" me have a homebirth - at which point I will inform them in no uncertain terms that I am having a homebirth and that when I go into labour I will expect a midwife to attend and she will need to bring the homebirth kit with her as "my" CMW has not seen fit to deliver one - but I will have my homebirth regardless. I am also going to request a different midwife.

I've talked this over with D and explained to him how if I go into labour this weekend, we'll need to use the "broken record" method when calling for a midwife - "Arkady is having a homebirth and is currently in labour, we expect a midwife to attend and she will need to bring a homebirth kit." Over and over, regardless of what they say, refusing to get drawn into conversation - simply reiterating that I will be giving birth at home, I am not going in to hospital, and we expect a midwife with homebirth kit to attend (and an ambulance with paramedic will not be an acceptable substitute).

No wonder Freda seems reluctant to make her appearance just yet with all this going on around us....

Still pregnant. Got my hopes up a bit last night as following a long, hot bath the contractions did seem to get more intense - but then they wore off after about an hour in bed, and the baby had her usual evening gymnastics session (encouraged by her dad). Still no sign of a show, and waters are still intact. It's not very heartening to know that this could drag on for another week or so, either. Mostly I don't really notice the contractions apart from when they get occasionally stronger for a while, but it's still tiring. It's a bit like having ongoing period pains for a week - except with a period, you know they're going to go away eventually when the period's over, whereas I know things are only going to get more intense before it's over - and I have no idea when. I'm noticing at the moment that they do seem to be stronger when I'm standing up and walking around - but after the past week, I'm trying not to read too much into that.

It's true what they say - no two pregnancies (or births) are alike. I didn't get prodromal labour anything like this with my first two. Daughter no. 1 was induced on the day she was due at 40 weeks, though I was 3cm dilated when they came to induce me - I'd had no warning signs though. They went ahead with the induction anyway, and total active labour was 4¼ hours in total. With D2, I had a show 2 days before she was born (at 38 weeks), and was starting to get mild contractions by about 1pm on the day she was born. When these got to every 4 minutes apart (around 6:30pm), my mother called the ambulance. By the time I got to the hospital, I had just enough time to waddle into the delivery room before my waters broke, and she was born very quickly 15 minutes later.

So this time around, having a prodromal labour that has lasted a week now is something I'm not used to. None of the health experts expects her to go the full 40 weeks; my GP reckons she'll probably be born this week. I have no idea of when though. At this point, I just want things to start happening! I can't make any plans or really arrange to do anything or go anywhere, because at any point this could turn into the real deal - and if D2's birth is anything to go by, things could happen very quickly indeed. I'm also aware of various friends waiting for news, and I'm sure it's almost as frustrating for them as it is for me to hear that there is still no news!

Her dad and I spent some time last night quietly telling her that we're all ready for her to come and it's time for her to be born, but I don't think she believes us!

It's getting to the point where I'm starting to seriously think about evening primrose oil, long walks, basil tea... shame curry makes me sick, or I'd be ordering take-out on a nightly basis! Not quite desperate enough to risk castor oil though.

I'm still getting contractions; haven't been timing them, but they seem to be the same distance apart - about 5 minutes. They seem to be stronger first thing in the morning and last thing at night; or maybe I'm just more aware of them then. I went to bed relatively early last night and was woken at 1am (in the middle of a dream about giving birth) by a series of particularly sharp contractions that eased off after sitting upright then leaning forward on hands and knees and rocking for a little while.

This afternoon I had an antenatal appointment with my GP that had already been booked before Tuesday's little hospital visit. She went through my notes from the hospital, checked my blood pressure, then the baby's heartbeat on Doppler (healthy and normal). Although at the hospital the baby's head was engaged fully, she's gone and popped back up again - like a little yo-yo! She's still head down and only just above the pelvis though, so hopefully she'll drop down into place soon.

The doctor was quite surprised at how big she is, though I explained Dad is 6' 4". She said that I looked closer to 38 weeks than 37! She could feel the contractions as she examined me, too. She didn't do an internal as she prefers to be "hands off" and didn't feel that checking dilation would be of much use - as it's not my first, dilation could be unpredictable anyway. (Multiparous women - i.e. with more than one child - are known to go from 3cm dilated to fully dilated in under an hour so checking how dilated I am wouldn't give any indication of how far I have to go.)

She said there's no way this baby is going to 40 weeks, and if she hasn't arrived before the ultrasound scan booked for next Wednesday afternoon she'll be surprised. She also mentioned that the last woman she saw for an antenatal checkup gave birth the very next day!

Apparently a midwife will be over sometime this weekend to drop off the homebirth kit; I'm still keeping my hospital bags packed just in case though!

L remarked today that I seemed very calm and relaxed; but when it gets to this early stage of labour, all one can do really is relax and have patience. Freda will come when she's good and ready. This is her time now, and all the wishing in the world won't bring her faster.

After getting back so late from the hospital yesterday, I slept very well last night; I was still getting contractions, but they weren't enough to stop me sleeping.

They'd pretty much petered out when I woke up today; they've started up again since I had a cup of coffee earlier, but they're not what I'd term strong - or necessarily frequent; about every 5-10 minutes, but no real regularity.

Today I decided to have a look through my hospital notes from last night, and was interested to note that apparently the baby's head is fully engaged even though there's no dilation as yet. The infrequent contractions are probably helping to keep her in place; she's currently in LOA presentation - that's Left Occipital Anterior; i.e. head down and engaged, her back to my tummy facing my spine, and lying a little to the left. That would explain why I keep having to dash for the loo frequently, as her head presses on my bladder! I was also very heartened by the fact the obstetrician has made fairly complete notes on the fact I have an extreme phobia of needles - in fact, she's made emphasis of that fact, as well as noting that I want a normal, natural homebirth with as little intervention as possible (which indicates to me that she actually read all through my birthplan; possibly the first medical person to actually do so). She seems very supportive of my wish for a homebirth, and she refers to discussing matters with my community midwife.

If my waters break in the next day or so, I'm pretty much resigned to the fact that I will probably have to go into hospital to have Freda; however during my six hours on Magnolia Ward yesterday I was reassured by the midwives' interactions with the other mothers-to-be that if I do end up having a hospital birth, it might not be as bad as I feared - they explained to the women what their options for birth were, and they seemed to be fairly keen to urge the women to make use of Lilac Ward next door where they could use the birthing pool, birth balls and other non-interventional methods of pain relief. They explained that if things got bad enough, the women could go upstairs to one of the other suites where they could have an epidural if need be - but that epidurals would carry some risks. They seemed to be quite keen to dissuade the women from requesting epidurals, and indeed one lady who had initially been begging for an epidural did decide to go to Lilac Ward instead.

So if I do end up giving birth at Whipps Cross, I have more confidence now that they will heed my wishes and I won't be pushed into interventions - and Lilac Ward does actually sound quite nice. If Freda decides to take matters out of my hands and come early, I may not get the homebirth I wanted - but a waterbirth on Lilac Ward might not be so bad.

That doesn't mean I won't keep my fingers crossed that she hangs on!

Off to hospital for a boring 6 hours today for CTG monitoring and an internal, as I've had this hindwater leak for over a week now. Baby's heart is good and strong, she was active and happily moving around a lot; the monitoring revealed that I'm having "quite strong" contractions every five minutes (midwives and doctor were quite surprised that I didn't find them painful and, indeed, was capable of talking through them). No dilation of the cervix whatsoever and membranes are still intact though.

I've been sent home with antibiotics (just as a precautionary measure) and I'll get a call from the ultrasound department in the next day or so for a scan to check amniotic levels.

If the baby hangs on for another week, I'll get the homebirth I want - but if my waters break before then, I'll have to go in and have her in hospital. Fingers crossed Freda decides to stay put!

I've had a few early warning signs that labour could be imminent. No bloody show as yet, but last night I had a touch of diarrhea - which is unusual, because I've suffered with constipation all through this pregnancy (which is quite normal). It's settled down a bit but I'm still having to go to the loo far more than I would ordinarily; this can be one of the early warning signs that labour could be imminent in the next couple of days, as the body is basically purging itself prior to all the effort of pushing that labour will entail.

Despite the warm day, I keep feeling cold and occasionally shivery, and D has noticed a "nervous shake" in my voice over the past few days, which can be caused by the prostaglandins released during early labour - most likely from the leaking hindwaters. Most telling of all is the slight bachache that's been slowly building over the past couple of days around the base of my spine however.

I've had the odd one or two contractions that didn't progress any further; not much more than Braxton Hicks really. There's more of a sense of pressure in my pelvis now, particularly when I'm standing up or walking around. The baby is just as active as ever, though being more cramped for space means she doesn't kick quite so hard now. She seems to have decided to lay off kicking and shoving my ribs, which is good!

As ever, however, what happens next is all up to little Freda, and she'll come in her own sweet time. This initial part of labour could drag on for several days yet - or it could all start happening tonight; we really don't know. I tried to call my midwife yesterday to find out when she was intending to come over this coming week to do my 36-week antenatal and discuss the homebirth with me, and as per usual ended up having to leave a message that she may not get until Monday (which doesn't fill me with a great deal of confidence that I will be able to get a message to her should I go into labour suddenly over the weekend).

If worst comes to worst and I can't reach her when I go into labour, I'll just have to call the hospital and demand they send a midwife - any midwife - or I'll damned well just have the baby on my own at home unassisted. Which to be honest doesn't bother me, but I rather think D would prefer to have a trained midwife on hand just in case.

At least I'm practically up to 36 weeks now; so if the baby does come this week she may be a little small, but otherwise perfectly healthy.

This morning I went to see my GP, after a weekend of mainly bed rest, keeping an eye on my temperature and drinking lots of water (I downed over 2.5 litres yesterday alone). She confirmed that it's a hindwater leak and that I've been doing exactly what she would have advised anyway.

She's decided to take a "wait and see" approach rather than push for an induction, particularly as Freda seems to have popped back up again slightly and, whilst still head down, is no longer engaged. I guess Freda can't make her mind up! We're very much on Freda's timetable now, and she'll be born when she's ready. She's still very active, and a check with the Doppler gave back a good strong heartbeat so she's evidently perfectly healthy.

Still no contractions, so for now I'm under orders to take things easy (no more 2-hour walking tours!), avoid stress, keep drinking lots of fluids, take showers rather than baths, keep an eye on my temperature and keep my hospital bags packed and close to hand.

I must admit it's hard not to get paranoid about every single little twitch, twinge and ache though!

I suspect little Freda has decided she wants to be an April baby!

I went on the "Jack the Ripper" walk organised by London Walks yesterday evening with some friends, and joked with them that knowing my luck I'd get halfway round and my waters would break.

Me and my big mouth - sure enough, halfway round I felt the baby "settle" further down in my pelvis, and something wet trickling down my leg!!

I've had further little "leaks" each time I stand upright, especially if I walk up or down stairs; it feels almost like accidentally wetting myself, but instead of the tell-tale smell and yellow colour of wee it's pretty much clear and faintly sweet-smelling - i.e. amniotic fluid. It looks like my forewaters are leaking (or possibly a hindwater leak that seeps down whenever I walk around); my waters haven't gone completely, and I feel no contractions yet - but I suspect things might start moving this week.

I haven't called the midwife; my current plan is to monitor my temperature carefully (in case of infection), and wait for contractions to start properly. I don't want to risk getting yanked into hospital and being coerced into an induction.

It may well be that Freda is going to make an appearance sooner rather than later though!

If you have received a slanderous email about me from someone calling themselves "Guy Robison", I would appreciate it if you would forward it on (complete with headers) to me at arkady at livejournal dot com. The person responsible for these emails is in fact my brother, who has harboured resentment towards me for a great many years over the fact I blocked his efforts to take custody of my first two children several years ago.

I shall be shortly in possession of all the original case files from the events he refers to that prove his words to be slanderous lies and entirely false.

Should he persist in attempting to harass me in this manner I shall be taking legal action against him.

Yesterday's antenatal appointment went very well. I was seen straight away, and was greeted by the same friendly nurse as last time (when D accompanied me) who remembered little Freda's name! She did the usual check of urine sample (all fine) and blood pressure (100/60, healthily low), and we went over the blood test results; seems I wasn't anaemic at all - Hb was 12.3, so fine. Still, a couple of weeks of Spatone and a pint of orange juice daily didn't hurt and I did have more energy. No gestational diabetes; in fact the blood glucose level was actually a little on the low side (3.2 - normal range is 4.1 to 5.9).

The registrar (a different one from last time) was quite happy with Freda's size and her heartbeat. He feels there's no need for any further ultrasounds before Freda's birth; she's still in cephalic presentation (head down) and everything's physically fine, so we're still on course for a homebirth. My next antenatal appointment will be at home with the midwife at 36 weeks, when she drops off the delivery pack and goes over my birthplan with me. (All 4 pages of it....) They've booked me in for another antenatal appointment for the 14th May at the clinic, for 40 weeks, but somehow I don't think Freda will be hanging around that long!

The acid reflux has finally eased off; seems the merc 30C was simply taking a little while to work (which I'd been warned could happen); I've been able to sleep properly without nocturnal interruptions all through the weekend, which has been a welcome relief. And as of this afternoon, the baby has "dropped" - the bump is quite visibly lower, the pain in my ribs has lessened (especially now I don't have a little foot almost permanently wedged up under my ribs!), and there's an increased feeling of pressure in my pelvis.

Only a few more weeks now! :-)

It's no good. I need to go back to my GP again.

This acid reflux really has gotten beyond a joke. Last night I threw up at 1am and ended up spending most of the rest of the night huddled in the duvet, attempting to sleep sitting up. Note: attempting. I really don't think that there's anything further I can do to try and ease it; as it is, I'm already doing the things the doctors recommend - I eat little and often, I avoid spicey and acidic foods (been forgoing my daily pint of orange juice, too - no effect though), haven't drunk any coffee in several days and even before then was restricting myself to one cup in the morning. I sleep with my head raised by several pillows, and always lie on my left side.

The ranitidine (Zantac, 150mg prescription-strength instead of the 35mg tablets you can buy OTC) isn't even touching it anymore. And swigging Gaviscon Advanced (the prescription-strength one) like it were milkshake just means when I throw up it all tastes of aniseed - and throwing up is now becoming a nightly thing. 1am every morning, without fail. And then a night of little sleep due to the pain from heartburn, followed by an uncomfortable day of indigestion.

Sipping peppermint tea helps - whilst I'm actually sipping it; it wears off soon after though. Ginger helps a little with the nausea.

I posted to a couple of communities to see if anyone could offer advice, but it seems I'm already trying everything possible. I've even tried homeopathy, which has worked so well for me in the past - but to no avail.

So at my next antenatal appointment I'm going to ask what else can be done, because I really can't face another month of this. I know it will all stop and go back to normal once litte Freda is born, but right now I really need my sleep!! It was never this bad with my first two pregnancies. :-(

My midwife finally called me back last night; she'd been on annual leave for a week. Nice of her to actually let me know she was going to be away....

I told her what the registrar had said about having a homebirth; she's quite happy to be me my midwife for a homebirth but apparently they don't bother discussing specifics and arranging a home visit to discuss it until 36 weeks, in case a health niggle should pop up in the meantime such as high blood pressure/pre-eclampsia etc. She did mention anaemia as being a possible reason why I might not be "allowed" a homebirth; I quietly let that one pass, but at the end of the day it's not up to her to "allow" or "disallow" a homebirth, and anaemia is not a valid reason for not going ahead with birth at home.

Anaemia is a perfectly normal part of pregnancy; indeed, there would be something rather wrong if haemoglobulin levels didn't drop during pregnancy. Blood volume increases by anywhere between 20% and 100%, with most women experiencing a 50% volume increase; however platelet production does not match the volume increase so the net result is a "dilution" effect that will show up in tests as a normal drop in Hb levels. My Hb level was 13.5 as of the blood test taken at 6 weeks; as long as it's still above 10 there's no reason to panic - though women with levels as low as 7 give birth perfectly normally. (See Anaemia in Pregnancy and Low Platelet Levels - Thrombocytopenia during Pregnancy from the UK Midwifery archives and Volume 1, Issue 35 of Midwifery today e-news for further information and discussion on anaemia in pregnancy and management of post-partum haemorrhage, or PPH.)

I've been taking Spatone daily (two sachets in a glass of fresh orange juice) for a week now, and I feel much more energetic now so it's obviously helping to counter any possible anaemia. Apparently my bloodtest results are back already and I can pick them up from the antenatal clinic, so when I do that I should have some idea as to what my Hb level was just before I started taking the Spatone and whether I would be considered anaemic.

The social worker visit went reasonably well, as far as could be expected; they next want to see me after my next antenatal visit (26th March), and were fairly positive about the idea of a homebirth - so at least I don't have to worry about opposition from that corner.

So now I'm to basically stick to my usual antenatal appointments at the clinic, and then assuming all is well, at 36 weeks (around 16th April) the midwife will come visit me to deliver the homebirth pack, go over my birthplan with me (hmm, wonder what her reaction will be when she sees it runs to 4 A4 pages?), check that the house is actually suitable, and discuss the homebirth further.

So far, all appears to be go. :-)

The acid heartburn seems to have eased off a bit recently - now it's my ribs taking over and aching! And I haven't been able to see my feet for a while now... still, having more energy these days is good.

On Monday I had another antenatal appointment with the registrar up at the hospital, which D came to with me. Physically everything is going fine, and D had the chance to hear his daughter's heartbeat on the fetal Doppler for the first time ever - the soppy, happy grin on his face when he realised what the sound like galloping horses actually was was a real picture. :-)

Freda is currently in cephalic presentation - which means she's head downwards, but not engaged. The registrar was able to feel her kicking quite energetically as well - as per usual! Blood pressure was healthy as well - 100/70.

We discussed homebirth with her, and she agreed that at present, there is no physiological reason why I shouldn't have a homebirth - and she wrote as much in my notes, which was precisely what D and I were hoping for! She was very friendly and receptive to the idea of a homebirth. She was also quite understanding about my issues concerning the social worker and agreed that there's no real reason for a social worker to be involved at all.

I had my 28-week bloods taken at the phlebotomy clinic at the medical centre just around the corner from our new house (which is where our GP's surgery is also located); as I'd declined the fingerprick test for blood sugar, they will be testing for blood glucose levels as well as haemoglobin levels (testing for anaemia), full blood count and antibodies. The results should be through in time for my next antenatal appointment on the 26th March.

The next step is to talk to my midwife about homebirth and establish whether she is comfortable with the idea of attending me in a home confinement - and if not, to get her to refer me to one of her collegues who is more comfortable with the idea. Given that she is the one who was insistant that as I am bipolar I would have to have a social worker, I suspect that this means I shall have to get used to yet another midwife.

I also have to call back the health visitor to reschedule her home visit, as she actually showed up at the old house on the day before we moved home (with no prior notice!). This whole idea of home visits from a health visitor before the baby is born is actually rather new to me - when my first two daughters were born (14 and 12 years ago respectively), the first you saw of a health visitor was at a home visit when the baby turned 6 weeks, when the midwife handed you over - they certainly didn't drop by for visits whist you were pregnant just to introduce themselves!

And this Friday I have another visit from the social worker to look forward to; however I think I shall be putting my foot down and insisting that there are no more home visits from her or her trainee unless I specifically request them. I am certainly not going to tolerate weekly visits - particularly as there is no real reason for it, which the registrar agreed with me on.

I gave in and bought a couple of pairs of maternity jeans off eBay last week that arrived today. I must admit it feels very nice not to be "slobbing around" in sweatpants any more! I feel properly dressed, which actually is quite a bit of a boost to my mood mentally. I was resisting buying "maternity" clothes because it seemed such a waste to splash out on something I'll only be wearing for another couple of months - but these jeans were only £3 for 2 pairs (one pair from Dorothy Perkins, the other from Next), so I didn't feel quite so guilty over the expense - and it's well worth it to feel properly dressed again!

Now if only the heartburn will let up a bit...! I think it might be time to step the Zantac up from once a day to twice a day (which my GP said I could do if once a day wasn't controlling it). Other than that, I'm feeling physically fine (apart from a bit tired - understandable though, given that we only just moved house for the second time in 6 months!), and having gotten the result I wanted from the registrar I feel mentally much more empowered to deal with things. I'm now reassured that Freda will indeed be born at home, with the support of the medical professionals.

So much for AIMS though - I never got a reply to any of my voicemail messages or emails! Oh well....

( Birth Plan v.2 - Home birth )

D and I had a long discussion about things last night, and we've decided we are going to go for a home birth. This is a big leap of faith on his part - it's my third child, but his first, and due to his inexperience at the whole parenting thing he does have a tendancy to be overprotective of me - but he's fully supportive of me and is with me 110%, and that includes having an unassisted birth if need be.

I have an antenatal appointment on the 19th, at the hospital with the registrar, and I am going to demand to be told the precise medical reasons why they are insisting on a hospital birth. I am then going to inform them that I am unhappy with reports I have heard of conditions at Whipps Cross and insist on seeing the maternity unit for myself; regardless of what I see there however, I think I am going to tell them that I am going to have a home birth - with or without their support and assistance, if necessary.

If my assigned community midwife is not prepared to support me, I shall ask to be given a different midwife, taking it up with the head of midwifery services if need be, but making it clear I will go ahead with this unassisted if need be.

I'm expecting to get a lot of resistance to the idea of a home birth; apparently the situation is so bad in my area (London Borough of Waltham Forest) that our local MP, Neil Gerrard, actually raised a question in Parliament about it in June last year. I don't know what the response was, but I may well contact him as it seems he would be sympathetic and supportive as well.

My main concern at this point is how my social worker is going to react. I must admit I don't have a lot of confidence in her competence, and I suspect she is going to kick up a stink about this. But I spent a lot of time last night reading through various websites about homebirthing, including the homebirth.org.uk website, and took heart from Siobhan's story - a bipolar sufferer herself who had 2 homebirths against the wishes of her GP, and makes no mention of any interference from her social worker. I also take heart from the fact that I have never actually had to be admitted to a psych ward in spite of my illness.

I'm aware I'm going to have a fight on my hands here, but for the sake of my unborn baby and my own mental wellbeing, I feel a homebirth is my only real option - it's what I wanted from the start anyway, and I am determined to go ahead - unassisted, if need be. And if they insist I transfer to a hospital after birth with baby Freda for observation, I am going to insist it be at some other hospital than Whipps Cross. (Which means now I need to start investigating post-natal maternal services and maternity units at other hospitals....)

Oh yay. There are some things you really don't want to read when you're pregnant; and horror stories about the hospital you're booked in to give birth at are definitely very close to the top of that list.

Gems discovered: apparently my consultant, Mr Hollingworth, is "scalpel-happy" and is far too keen on pushing mothers into Caesarians. Indifferent midwives, dirty labour suites, rude and unhelpful staff - very little to inspire confidence, I can tell you. The story about one mother left strapped to a fetal monitor for 9 hours also suggests they're not too keen on the whole "natural birth" option. Apparently the induction rate is 18%, and Caesarian rate 30%. (Source: Birthchoiceuk.com.)


Right now I'm thinking my best option is to do everything possible to try and ensure Freda is born at home. There's no way we'd be able to get me to any other hospital in time - my last daughter was born 15 minutes after my waters broke, and somehow I doubt this one will go any slower. And if I do end up giving birth at Whipps Cross, I'd better be prepared to be bolshie if I expect any attention to be paid to my birth plan....

Good job I'm good at being stubborn as hell, really.

The one part of pregnancy I never enjoy is the acid indigestion and reflux that inevitably rears its painful head in the second trimester, and this time has been no different in that respect - and in fact, this time round it's actually been worse.

I've tried it all: eating small, frequent meals, cut right back on coffee (just one cup in the morning), warm milky drink before bed, extra pillows to raise my head and shoulders, careful to lie on my left side - to no avail. I've tried fruit-flavoured Rennies, I'm downing Gaviscon last thing before bed - but come 4am every morning without fail, and I am wide awake as the burning pain interrupts my sleep and makes further rest impossible, that horrible acid feeling in the back of my throat unmistakeable. It's bad enough that it makes my chest hurt and even affects my breathing.

So today I managed to get an appointment with my GP to discuss the problem and also the issue of my tiredness. It ended up being a very long appointment; Dr Cooney (my new GP who I registered with only recently and hadn't yet seen since registering) had a 4th year medical student with him who went through my case history first, writing stuff down; she was very impressed with my level of medical knowledge, especially concerning psychiatric disorders! I like med students; they're reasonably smart and clueful, but haven't yet got that veneer of arrogance that comes with newly-qualified doctors - they know they have yet to get through their finals, and when they're on secondment to a GP they get very nervous when expected to demonstrate what they've learned so far. :-)

She had a feel of my tummy under Dr Cooney's supervision ad was rewarded by Freda kicking back - apparently she'd never felt a baby kick before! Freda repeated her usual trick of kicking the Doppler as well. She also measured the height of fundus (distance from the pubic mound to the top of the womb, or fundus), which was 27cm - which means Freda is actually a little large for dates; as a general rule 1cm = 1 week of gestation time. So she's the size you'd expect her to be at 27 weeks, not 25. I was weighed as well, and I'm currently 59kg. (The bump is very obvious now - it seems to have practically doubled in size over the weekend and I feel very heavy, clumsy and off-balance as a result!)

Dr Cooney has prescribed me ranitidine (Zantac), and a bottle of Gaviscon Advanced which is the prescription-only version of Gaviscon; he says it's safe for me to take them both together. He also asked me how I was coping following the death of my ex-husband (father of my first two daughters) last October and with all the upheaval surrounding yet another house move, and seemed quite concerned for me. He thinks my tiredness is actually due to the stress of moving combined with grief, and says that if I need any help (counselling etc) I should come and see him again; in the meantime the blood tests at my antenatal appointment should rule out anaemia.

He's certainly very thorough and has a good, reassuring manner without being patronising; it's good to have a GP in whom I have confidence. And thankfully, although we are about to go through the stress of moving home we will still be in the catchment area for the surgery - in fact, we'll be even closer to it! - so I don't have to go through all the hassle of changing GPs again just when I seem to have found one I can work with.

The antenatal appointment with the consultant went well. Freda pulled her usual trick of kicking the Doppler every time an attempt was made to check her heartbeat ("She's moving alright then!"). Blood pressure was healthy - 100/58 (it was 100/70 at the previous check just before Christmas).

The registrar was quite impressed by the birth plan - not just by how thorough it is, but the fact I'd made one at all! Apparently most women they see at Whipps Cross don't bother and often have no idea what a birth plan even is! And she was approving of the fact I want to go for an active birth.

All in all it was very quick and I was in and out in 5 minutes. I next go back on the 19th Feb (28 weeks) for blood sugar tests and follow-up.

( My Birth Plan )